After years of very thorough scientific research, I can confidently report that a long held theory of mine is now indeed a proven fact. All male owners of the PT Cruiser have facial hair. It is true. "But Walt", you say, "although it is true that a high percentage of the men I see driving PT Cruisers sport goatees, mutten chop sideburns, soul patches, etc., I have seen a few cleanly shaven men driving these retro styled hatchbacks. This disproves your fact". Yes, you are correct, my reader. And for the longest time I was baffled by the few drivers I witnessed that did not have facial hair. They just didn't look natural behind the wheel of these awesome sedans. But then it hit me. Just because they are driving the Cruiser, it doesn't mean that they are the owner of the Cruiser!.
There was a simple way to find out. I could just ask the bare-faced drivers...
...what type of facial hair the actual owner of the car that they are currently borrowing has. Well, not as easy as I thought. For some reason the drivers were reluctant to reveal this information to me. Even when I would explain that I was conducting a scientific study. I figured it was difficult to convince them through rolled down windows at a stop light. So I decided to follow them until they parked somewhere and then ask them face to face. Then I could explain to them the reason for my inquiry. This way a bond of trust could be formed. Most looked at me like I was crazy. Or they would survey the area as if there were hidden cameras somewhere, like they were on TV or something. Do I look like Ashton Kutcher, or Alan Funt? In all cases I would eventually get a confession that the true owner did in fact have a beard of some sort. Albeit this was usually followed by "NOW will you get out of my face?!" or "please leave, you're scaring my children!". It's not my fault they didn't just answer me at the stoplight.
I hear your next question. "What about the women that drive the Chrysler PT Cruiser?" This is a valid question that you ask. The percentage of women that drive PTC's and have facial hair is very small. I'd say between 1%-2%. Of the women that drive PTC's as a whole, about 62% of their husbands sport facial hair. This statistic was easily compiled by following the women drivers home and parking in an inconspicuous spot until their husband would arrive from work. I would then record the data, wait until the husband went inside and then paint a large red or black X on the back of the Cruiser. This would signify that this vehicle's owner had already been checked and therefore insure that I wouldn't be wasting my time following the same vehicle at a later date. Pure science, baby!
I know I've done a great thing here. But alas, I do feel that while pursuing the truth I've alienated, ignored and perhaps even embarrassed some of the people that love me the most. I can only hope that those that have expressed their concern, and some their bitter disgust with me, would come around and admith they were wrong all along. Face it. I am right and you are wrong. Like my wife and children, my boss and work mates, my pastor, the sales staff at my local PT Cruiser dealership and the police. I warmly welcome you all back into my fold. No hard feelings.